Chapter 1 : The Beginning Of The End

She may have had it all... 

But all that she had wasn't what she wanted.

The quote echoed incessantly in her head, fueling her self-hatred. I'm such an ungrateful child, she thought. Her parents had provided her with the best of everything- a stable home consisting of a supportive family and the freedom to morph into her own person with minimal pressure, comfortable, somewhat sheltered but free from hardship. What was wrong with her?

Her mind her mind her mind. The computer inside her head sans the serotonin firewall, inevitably allowing a virus called depression to take over.

Tired of life, tired of living, tired of trying, tired of breathing, tired of being; she assembled her thoughts and cast them onto the page before her- blank, the brightest white and so new- if only her life could be as such. Although it only goes one way, and soon this page will instead be contaminated with her ugliest thoughts and last words. The heaviness within her eased with each word she jotted, as if the paper was taking away the weight of her thoughts.

The Note...

I am unsure as to when the push became a shove that I have finally decided to write this, but the creation of this note has been along time coming, the postponement of which has been due to my inability to express myself in the way I know best. Strange how words elude you during a time of need. Every other time there'd be a surge of thoughts through my now feeble mind. My passion for words- my love for writing has failed me too. This marks the beginning of the end. The escape from life as I knew it- an utter and complete waste of time.

I write this with a heavy heart, then again, this heart has been under strain for as long as I can remember.To feel this way and yet still be incapable of crying is the biggest curse, how else do I release this sadness? A sadness so consuming that my mind became paralyzed and soon enough a victim of my self-abuse. I sat in silence, frozen and hopeless, as these parasitic thoughts took over, eating away at my zest for life. They were so loud and so overpowering. My inner demons were realized, and they reigned with all their might. I was normal on the outside, all smiles and full of jokes, worry free and motivated, but my mind was diseased, and disintegrating at every passing moment. 

I've now reached that point where I'm  tired of the obligatory smiles, and the feigned normality, I'm tired of my feelings and my hopelessness. I'm tired of trying and believing that this too, shall pass.. I'm tired of applying myself wholly to every situation and not receiving anything in return. I'm tired of people and the countless times that they have let me down. I'm tired of this world and its injustice. I'm tired of the guilt that consumes me each time I consider how fortunate I actually am, yet its not enough. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to live or be loved. I have deemed myself unfit to be in this world. I am tired of being.

Words also fail to express how deeply sorry I am for letting everyone down. All the lessons and luxuries, all the experiences and exponential amount of favours, all that now being a waste. I have failed you all once more. I'm so sorry for giving you all a hard time as of late. I'm sorry for resenting you all because of my mistakes. I'm sorry for not listening all those times. I'm sorry for spitting those harsh words at you. I was defensive. I was sensitive, my spirit was withering away and I tried to hold on to every last bit of it. That's when my instincts would kick in- to protect the little I had left I'd put on this tough front, my sharp tongue was my armor. The pain caused by the insults would trigger my unstable mind and its surge of bad thoughts that as a reflex I'd attempt to hurt you all in the same way.

With that being said,  I feel that it's time that I bid you all farewell. Leaving this place is bitter sweet. Bitter b'cause I'm leaving all you wonderful people behind, I will miss you all immensely. Sweet because I can finally escape this hell I call home. I'm merely a shadow of the beautiful soul I once was. I'm damaged, I'm broken, I'm empty inside. I cannot stand being alone with my thoughts. There's just too much to say. It's really too much work. The path to recovery seems long and rough. I just don't have the energy anymore. I don't see the point to living. I'm afraid of life. In the words of Kurt Cobain- "It's better to burn out than to fade away."

C'est La Guerre- This is War...

And I have lost.

Tears splashed onto the paper menacingly and mixed with the ink. The words smudged and became a blur as the tears soaked through. She folded the paper once, twice, thrice and walked to the living room. She sneered at the irony of the name... The livingroom- now containing the final thoughts and last moments of her life. She walked to the table and hesitated, only for a second, before placing the note next to the orchid that her father had bought her mother a few days ago. The orchid looked as sad as she felt- the leaves drooped down, the petals, albeit being bright and semi-fresh, had fallen away. She knew that it was well taken care of- her mother had researched ways to look after it and did things by the book. Why was it dying?